After being inundated every summer by tons of kids in camp, Chasidim and frum people from every walk of life, I would guess that there isn’t much that would faze anyone at the Monticello Walmart. Which made it the perfect place to host a treasure hunt for Grandma and Zaidy. The prize? Seven bizarrely attired grandchildren!!
Getting them there wasn’t easy. While they were happy to have me bring the kids up for a few hours, convincing them to come to Walmart wasn’t something I was looking forward to. I contemplated a few possibilities: having Sari ask them, telling them my car broke down at Walmart, but in the end, I went with the straightforward approach.
The call went something like this.
Me: Hi Mom! How much do you love your grandchildren?
Grandma: A lot.
Me: Do you really, really, love them a lot?
Grandma: (Suspicously) Yes.
Me: And do you trust me to never steer you wrong?
Grandma: What’s the matter?
Me: Nothing. But the kids would like you to come to Walmart at 3:45. They have something very special planned.
Grandma: Uh oh. Should I bring my camera?
Me: Not necessary. I’ll meet you at the front entrance at 3:45.
Grandma: What if we don’t find you?
Me: Don’t worry, you won’t be able to miss me.
Grandma: Uh oh. Should we come in costume?
We get to Walmart at 3:15. The Kahanas, Mordechai, Bryna and Yitchak get there at 3:30 sharp. We run inside in the rain, looking like a bunch of crazies. Me, all in black, with red suspenders, red shoes, a clown tie and a headband decorated with a gigantic gold glittery hat.
Aliza dressed up like a farmer in a denim jumper, plaid shirt, red bandana, sunglasses, white socks and royal blue short rubber boots. Chumi in a red: jumper, shirt, socks, shoes and sequined hat, in addition to red lipstick and several red necklaces. Ami in a leather jacket and a green furry Kermit hat. Sari in black t-shirt, skirt with leggings, cap to hide her curls, big earrings and arm full of Silly Bands and sunglasses. We are also carrying a stroller and a doll for Bryna.
The Kahanas look bizarrely normal. Mordy is in regular clothing. Bryna is wearing a black skirt, a nice tan jacket and heels. She is also carrying a straight brown sheitel and a big pocketbook. Yitz is in costume – four t shirts to make himself look fat, which not surprisingly doesn’t work. He looks like Yitz, just in glasses.
While Mordechai goes to change into his costume, we get to work. We put on Bryna’s sheitel, this time making sure that the bangs go in front, not on the side. I grab a shopping cart and throw in a bunch of bath mats. Then Chumi climbs into the shopping cart. A few bath mats under her, a bunch on top. I hand her off to Aliza and go to drop Sari off in the toy department.
I head to the front of the store to wait for the guests of honor. I go looking for Mordechai who has stationed himself up front, with a guitar. He looks so authentic I almost walk right past him.
Mordechai is sitting on a bench, wearing a light brown sheitel, a backwards Kermit cap on his head, sunglasses, a grey sweatshirt, with a green towel draped around his neck, a white t shirt, a Snoopy tie and rust pajama bottoms with bulldogs on them. He is holding a guitar, has a pick in his mouth and a guitar case behind him. He has elected not to leave the open case on the floor in front of him, so that he doesn’t get arrested for panhandling.
He looks unbelievably amazing and there is no doubt that Grandma and Zaidy will walk right past him.
And then I see Grandma and Zaidy on their way into the store. I meet then in the front entrance about ten feet away from Mordechai, who is studying his guitar very intently. Not surprisingly they don’t notice Mordechai. They are too busy admiring my clown tie as I explain to them that there are seven grandchildren in assorted costumes wandering through the store and it is up to them to find them all.
Thankfully, neither Grandma nor Zaidy rolls their eyes and tells me I am insane. Instead they walk past Mordechai and go into Walmart, eager to find their nachas.
Ten minutes later, the only nachas they have found is me and I tell them that they passed the first grandkid quite a while ago. Grandma who has the cell phone wanders off on her ow and I hang out with Zaidy as we roam the aisles. We pass electronics and I look for Ami who must be watching some kind of sporting event, but I don’t see any bright green frog fur anywhere. As we turn the corner, Zaidy spots a glimpse of Yitzchak from the back and calls his name. How he recognizes Yitz from the back I have no clue, but it is Zaidy’s first find. I turn around and I catch a glimpse of Ami ducking down behind some furniture as he follows us.
A minute or two later we spy Sari rounding a corner in the toy department. Even with her curls hidden, there is no hiding that face and Zaidy grabs her. I catch a glimpse of Bryna pushing her stroller just a minute later as does Sari who starts to giggle. Zaidy knows that something is up, but can’t seem to find anyone.
The hunt continues. Ami turns up, but wanders off again to hide from Grandma who is nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, we keep walking. Bryna wanders Walmart with a plastic doll in her stroller hoping no one thinks she is psychotic. The people who witness Aliza seemingly having a conversation with a shopping cart full of bathmats must think she is beyond deranged.
People we meet in our travels around Walmart? The chassidishe lady who waves at me while I am taking video. The Walmart employee who tells me videotaping in Walmart is against store policy. The chassidishe guy who points at Ami and says to his companion “er is a goy!” as if Ami is a museum exhibit. The person behind Bryna who whispers to her friend “See? There is another one, but they haven’t found her yet!” The people who notice Aliza who no longer has her shopping cart and ask her where her baby disappeared to. Meanwhile, Chumi who is buried under four bathmats calls me and says “Ma, I think I am gonna throw up!”
Mordechai, who has to go back to Monsey comes up to Zaidy and says “Excuse me, do you have the number for the yellow cab company?” As Zaidy grabs Mordechai and hugs him, some chasidishe boy nearby grabs his little sister, either so she shouldn’t be scared of Mordechai or because he is concerned that if Zaidy is hugging random strangers, she might be next.
Still missing: Aliza, Chumi and Bryna. Grandma and Zaidy keep wandering, but the girls seemed to have vanished. I text Aliza to find out where she is but she decides to keep her location a secret.
Ami wanders up to Zaidy and me with a shopping cart laden with bathmats. Only one of us knows that there is something in that cart besides bathmats.
I show Zaidy one of the bathmats, asking him if he thinks it will match our new bathroom. Zaidy likes it but is concerned that it might be too large. As he picks it up to see how big the mat actually is he notices a pair of red shoes in the shopping cart. Attached to the shoes are a pair of red legs. Zaidy is so astonished to find Chumi in the cart he is absolutely speechless. Chumi is so happy to finally get some fresh air!
More wandering through Walmart. Zaidy finally finds Aliza wandering through the clothing department. He sends the rest of the night marveling at how appropriate Aliza looks dressed as a farm girl in Sullivan county and how beautiful she looks in a red bandana. Will be sure to make her wear one every day from now on!
It is just Bryna left now. I have rachmanos on everyone when I see Bryna clear across the store heading in the opposite direction and tell them to turn around. Meanwhile, Grandma is busy stalking some poor girl in a grey sweater, who she is sure is Bryna. Between her, the oddly dressed girl in the book section and all the chassidishe women she keeps looking at but disqualifying because they are a) accompanied by Chassidishe guys and b) talking to the chassidishe guys, I am sure store security is going to cart her away.
As we wander the aisles, Bryna turns the corner, head down and scurries away. For a second Grandma wonders aloud if that is Bryna, but Zaidy insists it isn’t. We might still be in Walmart if not for the fact that we all burst out laughing. Zaidy literally starts running down the aisles looking for Bryna until he finally, finally rounds up the last missing grandchild.
Mission accomplished. All seven grandchildren located in just under one hour!
