Aunt's Rant

Succos 2010: Treasure Hunt At Walmart!

2010-09-29T12:51:00.003-04:00

After being inundated every summer by tons of kids in camp, Chasidim and frum people from every walk of life, I would guess that there isn’t much that would faze anyone at the Monticello Walmart. Which made it the perfect place to host a treasure hunt for Grandma and Zaidy. The prize? Seven bizarrely attired grandchildren!!

Getting them there wasn’t easy. While they were happy to have me bring the kids up for a few hours, convincing them to come to Walmart wasn’t something I was looking forward to. I contemplated a few possibilities: having Sari ask them, telling them my car broke down at Walmart, but in the end, I went with the straightforward approach.

The call went something like this.

Me: Hi Mom! How much do you love your grandchildren?
Grandma: A lot.
Me: Do you really, really, love them a lot?
Grandma: (Suspicously) Yes.
Me: And do you trust me to never steer you wrong?
Grandma: What’s the matter?
Me: Nothing. But the kids would like you to come to Walmart at 3:45. They have something very special planned.
Grandma: Uh oh. Should I bring my camera?
Me: Not necessary. I’ll meet you at the front entrance at 3:45.
Grandma: What if we don’t find you?
Me: Don’t worry, you won’t be able to miss me.
Grandma: Uh oh. Should we come in costume?

We get to Walmart at 3:15. The Kahanas, Mordechai, Bryna and Yitchak get there at 3:30 sharp. We run inside in the rain, looking like a bunch of crazies. Me, all in black, with red suspenders, red shoes, a clown tie and a headband decorated with a gigantic gold glittery hat.
Aliza dressed up like a farmer in a denim jumper, plaid shirt, red bandana, sunglasses, white socks and royal blue short rubber boots. Chumi in a red: jumper, shirt, socks, shoes and sequined hat, in addition to red lipstick and several red necklaces. Ami in a leather jacket and a green furry Kermit hat. Sari in black t-shirt, skirt with leggings, cap to hide her curls, big earrings and arm full of Silly Bands and sunglasses. We are also carrying a stroller and a doll for Bryna.

The Kahanas look bizarrely normal. Mordy is in regular clothing. Bryna is wearing a black skirt, a nice tan jacket and heels. She is also carrying a straight brown sheitel and a big pocketbook. Yitz is in costume – four t shirts to make himself look fat, which not surprisingly doesn’t work. He looks like Yitz, just in glasses.

While Mordechai goes to change into his costume, we get to work. We put on Bryna’s sheitel, this time making sure that the bangs go in front, not on the side. I grab a shopping cart and throw in a bunch of bath mats. Then Chumi climbs into the shopping cart. A few bath mats under her, a bunch on top. I hand her off to Aliza and go to drop Sari off in the toy department.

I head to the front of the store to wait for the guests of honor. I go looking for Mordechai who has stationed himself up front, with a guitar. He looks so authentic I almost walk right past him.

Mordechai is sitting on a bench, wearing a light brown sheitel, a backwards Kermit cap on his head, sunglasses, a grey sweatshirt, with a green towel draped around his neck, a white t shirt, a Snoopy tie and rust pajama bottoms with bulldogs on them. He is holding a guitar, has a pick in his mouth and a guitar case behind him. He has elected not to leave the open case on the floor in front of him, so that he doesn’t get arrested for panhandling.

He looks unbelievably amazing and there is no doubt that Grandma and Zaidy will walk right past him.

And then I see Grandma and Zaidy on their way into the store. I meet then in the front entrance about ten feet away from Mordechai, who is studying his guitar very intently. Not surprisingly they don’t notice Mordechai. They are too busy admiring my clown tie as I explain to them that there are seven grandchildren in assorted costumes wandering through the store and it is up to them to find them all.

Thankfully, neither Grandma nor Zaidy rolls their eyes and tells me I am insane. Instead they walk past Mordechai and go into Walmart, eager to find their nachas.

Ten minutes later, the only nachas they have found is me and I tell them that they passed the first grandkid quite a while ago. Grandma who has the cell phone wanders off on her ow and I hang out with Zaidy as we roam the aisles. We pass electronics and I look for Ami who must be watching some kind of sporting event, but I don’t see any bright green frog fur anywhere. As we turn the corner, Zaidy spots a glimpse of Yitzchak from the back and calls his name. How he recognizes Yitz from the back I have no clue, but it is Zaidy’s first find. I turn around and I catch a glimpse of Ami ducking down behind some furniture as he follows us.

A minute or two later we spy Sari rounding a corner in the toy department. Even with her curls hidden, there is no hiding that face and Zaidy grabs her. I catch a glimpse of Bryna pushing her stroller just a minute later as does Sari who starts to giggle. Zaidy knows that something is up, but can’t seem to find anyone.

The hunt continues. Ami turns up, but wanders off again to hide from Grandma who is nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, we keep walking. Bryna wanders Walmart with a plastic doll in her stroller hoping no one thinks she is psychotic. The people who witness Aliza seemingly having a conversation with a shopping cart full of bathmats must think she is beyond deranged.

People we meet in our travels around Walmart? The chassidishe lady who waves at me while I am taking video. The Walmart employee who tells me videotaping in Walmart is against store policy. The chassidishe guy who points at Ami and says to his companion “er is a goy!” as if Ami is a museum exhibit. The person behind Bryna who whispers to her friend “See? There is another one, but they haven’t found her yet!” The people who notice Aliza who no longer has her shopping cart and ask her where her baby disappeared to. Meanwhile, Chumi who is buried under four bathmats calls me and says “Ma, I think I am gonna throw up!”

Mordechai, who has to go back to Monsey comes up to Zaidy and says “Excuse me, do you have the number for the yellow cab company?” As Zaidy grabs Mordechai and hugs him, some chasidishe boy nearby grabs his little sister, either so she shouldn’t be scared of Mordechai or because he is concerned that if Zaidy is hugging random strangers, she might be next.

Still missing: Aliza, Chumi and Bryna. Grandma and Zaidy keep wandering, but the girls seemed to have vanished. I text Aliza to find out where she is but she decides to keep her location a secret.

Ami wanders up to Zaidy and me with a shopping cart laden with bathmats. Only one of us knows that there is something in that cart besides bathmats.

I show Zaidy one of the bathmats, asking him if he thinks it will match our new bathroom. Zaidy likes it but is concerned that it might be too large. As he picks it up to see how big the mat actually is he notices a pair of red shoes in the shopping cart. Attached to the shoes are a pair of red legs. Zaidy is so astonished to find Chumi in the cart he is absolutely speechless. Chumi is so happy to finally get some fresh air!

More wandering through Walmart. Zaidy finally finds Aliza wandering through the clothing department. He sends the rest of the night marveling at how appropriate Aliza looks dressed as a farm girl in Sullivan county and how beautiful she looks in a red bandana. Will be sure to make her wear one every day from now on!

It is just Bryna left now. I have rachmanos on everyone when I see Bryna clear across the store heading in the opposite direction and tell them to turn around. Meanwhile, Grandma is busy stalking some poor girl in a grey sweater, who she is sure is Bryna. Between her, the oddly dressed girl in the book section and all the chassidishe women she keeps looking at but disqualifying because they are a) accompanied by Chassidishe guys and b) talking to the chassidishe guys, I am sure store security is going to cart her away.

As we wander the aisles, Bryna turns the corner, head down and scurries away. For a second Grandma wonders aloud if that is Bryna, but Zaidy insists it isn’t. We might still be in Walmart if not for the fact that we all burst out laughing. Zaidy literally starts running down the aisles looking for Bryna until he finally, finally rounds up the last missing grandchild.

Mission accomplished. All seven grandchildren located in just under one hour!

For Those of You With Less of a Life Than Me!

2010-01-17T18:59:00.001-05:00

Impossible Quiz

Personally, I just found it annoying. But that was just me!

Which One is Worse??

2010-01-16T23:34:00.003-05:00

Scheduling your son's high school faher during the Super Bowl? Or sending him snack for school that he is allergic to?

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

2010-01-07T23:21:00.001-05:00

Tefillin vs. Car.

Guess who wins?

One Can Left

2009-12-23T23:14:00.002-05:00

No clue when it will be back on the shelves. Don't tell me I have to start making lunch again!!! That was the beauty of Slim Fast. Never have to think about what to prepare, no clean up, and I lunch is finished in fifteen seconds!

Latkes Anybody?

2009-12-12T21:28:00.002-05:00

What's Chanukah without latkes? If your last name is the same as mine, it is certainly unthinkable. So when the lid from my trusty food processor broke, which made my food processor unusable, I knew it was time to go shopping and get a new one. Definitely before Chanukah.

I spent two weeks researching food processors. Need one that is big enough, but didn't want to spend mega-bucks on one. We looked high and low and eventually came up with the perfect machine. Which we went out and bought.

Twelve hours later I remembered that Uncle Rant had a perfectly usable food processor sitting with his stuff in the basement.

Why couldn't I have remembered that two weeks ago before I spent all that time looking for a replacement?

Any suggestions?

2009-12-11T11:33:00.004-05:00

Ever year we get another box of these in the mail. I go through about three a year for the thingy I use to light Shabbos candles, but that still leaves me with about six whole boxes full. What on earth do I do with them?

Vodka Donuts!

2009-12-03T09:46:00.001-05:00

From matzav.com

Alcohol importers in Israel have decided to market their vodka in an original way: By hiring a pastry chef who is also a bartender to create vodka-soaked donuts ahead of the Yom Tov of Chanukah.

”Adults await sufganiyot no less than children do,” a source from the company that imports “Hortiza,” the vodka to be infused into the donuts, said.

”Therefore,” he added, “we have decided to launch a line of donuts suitable for adults and party-goers.”

A 100 gram donut, sold at the price of NIS 4.5 - about $1.18 - contains 90 milliliters of vodka diluted with jam.

The vodka contains 35% alcohol, and the alcohol content of each donut is equal to that of a bottle of beer.

In other words, anyone eating more than one vodka donut had better hand over his or her car keys to a friend.

In order to meet the requirements of the law, the vodka donut will only be sold to adults presenting the appropriate ID.

The vodka donut trend seems to be spreading this year, and has also reached many bakeries in lower concentrations.

FYI

2009-12-02T23:54:00.002-05:00

For all those of you who are interested, you can order whole pigs at Shop Rite for the holiday.

Just in case you wanted to know.

And there are way too many real pictures of actual roast pigs on google images!

Twins!

2009-11-29T14:21:00.002-05:00

Sooooo sweet! And such beautiful smiles!

62 Uses for Leftover Turkey

2009-11-25T22:51:00.002-05:00

1. Throw it out! (Am pre-empting Aunt A on that one.)
2. Threaten your kids with it. "Whoever doesn't behave has to eat 6 week old turkey bits that are still sitting in my fridge..."

Ok, you guys, let's see if we can hit 62.

Discuss Amongst Yourselves...

2009-11-22T22:15:00.002-05:00

Since all you guys wanted a chance to rant again, let's just pick a topic and everyone can voice their opinions.

Bananas.

Ok, guys, let's hear what you have to say about bananas.

Fashion Statement

2009-11-19T22:31:00.001-05:00

Can someone please explain open toed boots to me?

Just Can't Help Myself...

2009-09-21T21:51:00.002-04:00

Gotta love this one...

Some people are like Slinkies. They are really good for nothing ............. but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs!

Anagrams!

2009-09-10T17:05:00.004-04:00

Cute website: make an anagram out of your name. Check it out! I had tons of fun playing with it!

www.deanjackson.dj/nameanagram

Free Samples!!

2009-09-09T20:14:00.006-04:00

Ok, guys, guess what?

Today I am actually earning some money. That's right, just by putting this up, I am gonna earn a few (very few) bucks.

I signed up to get emails from a site that has free stuff called shopforfreebies.com. You know me. I love free stuff. And I've gotten some fun free samples from these guys. Hey, it's free. How could you go wrong? Besides, you get to try out lots of nice shampoo, among other things. There is usually something new going up on the list every day and I don't have to remember to check out the site. They send me emails with a link to the free stuff du jour.

In an effort to get more people to come to their site, they are offering cash to bloggers who put up a post with a link to their site. All I have to do is tell you about it. Even if you don't visit the site, I still get paid. But go visit anyway. Free stuff is free stuff!!

So, boys and girls, here you go. Free stuff for everyone. Woo hoo!!

Click here for free samples Check it out!

Lunchtime!!

2009-09-01T08:25:00.002-04:00

Nine days left till school starts.

Nine days left till school starts.

Nine days left till school starts.

Ok, sorry, had to get that out of my system.

So, to make school start earlier, I want to start doing practical, school related things. And right now,I'm thinking about lunches. Rantlet #2 gets peanut butter. Every day. Rantlet #3 gets chumus every day. #4 gets cream cheese or american cheese. #5? Who remembers?

I'm thinking we need more creative lunches. Anyone got any ideas? And fyi: hate making tuna. Don't know why. And they don't really love it, either.

Mazel Tov!!

2009-08-29T22:02:00.002-04:00

No, no, no...nothing like that.

100th post, woo hoo!!!!

Given that my brain has completely turned to applesauce, anyone out there got suggestions for a post?

Counting the minutes till school starts...I knowI'm such a bad mother...just can't help it anymore!

Welcome to the 21st Century!

2009-08-22T23:21:00.002-04:00

Learned how to use iTunes this week! Aren't you all impressed?

Now how do I get album art on there without opening an account in the iTunes store?

Sorry, I Know I've Been Negligent!

2009-08-16T00:39:00.002-04:00

Meanwhile, hope you guys have been checking back at holyshidduch. Apparently people just keep having bad dates, because there are more and more entries!

Ok, so here's the thing. Camp ends this week. And school starts in 3 1/2 weeks. And Uncle Rant is gonna be out of town for a week and a half.

Aaaaaaaaah!!!

Anyone have any ideas how to keep the Rantlets entertained?

Prefereably ideas that don't involve duct tape?

Holy Shidduch!

2009-08-06T23:13:00.002-04:00

Gotta check out this website: holyshidduch.com. People post their dating stories. Some of my favorites:

I once picked up a girl for a first date and went to the airport since it's a nice public place. After talking for about twenty minutes she got up and said needed to go. I stood up and started walking towards my car, she turned and started walking to the gate. When I glanced at her questioningly she said, "My friend told me you brought her here on a date last week. I just needed a lift, so I told the Shadchan yes."

I was at a restaurant on a shidduch with this guy. I went up to use the restroom and when I returned half of my pasta dish was missing. The guy said that is how much was there when I got up, while a string of my angel hair pasta hung from his beard.

What's In The Elephant's Trunk?

2009-07-30T23:27:00.003-04:00

(Ok, only three of us will even get that title.)

Found this in a cookbook in a section entitled "This and That".

Elephant Stew

1 elephant
brown gravy
salt and pepper to taste
2 rabbits

Cut elephant into bite sized pieces. This will take about 4 months. Cook over kerosene at 525 degrees until tender (about 5 months). Add salt and pepper and cover with brown gravy. This will serve 3,800 people. If more are expected, add 2 rabbits. Do this if only absolutely necessary as most people do not like to find hare in their stew.

Pop Quiz

2009-07-27T18:44:00.002-04:00

You come into the bathroom and you notice there's a bug on your toothbrush.

What do you do?

Packing Time!

2009-07-21T23:49:00.002-04:00

All these years girls have been looking for boys who learn x number of years. A boy with a good job.

But here's the truth. You want to marry a guy with a short last name. So when it comes time to label stuff for camp, you won't wonder why you married a guy with a crazy long name!

Packing Time

2009-07-16T13:31:00.003-04:00

So, time to start thinking about what you send to camp with a 13 year old boy.

Lots of t-shirts. Scratch that. The three or four he likes. He won't wear the rest. Will just wear these over and over again. Washing in between is a waste of time. Just gonna get dirty again.

Sneakers. Crocs. Shabbos Shoes.

Linen? One sheet, one pillowcase, one towel. What, you think he's gonna change his linen? Blanket, pillow.

Underwear? Socks? 3 or 4 of each should be more than enough. You only change those things when you shower. Tzitzis? He'll be wearing a pair. Who needs more?

Suit, hat, white shirts. LOTS of ties. Bathing suit.

LOTS of junk food.

Phone card to call home? Why bother? He won't. Raincoat? Who are we kidding?

When I asked him what I should send less of this year than last, he said "postcards that I have to write."

Check It Out!

2009-07-13T17:25:00.007-04:00

Ok,you can't order anything from this website. And it's not even in English. But it is very, very cool. Let it load and then give it a minute.

Click here

Uh Oh...

2009-07-12T01:41:00.004-04:00

Y3K will be directing traffic in camp tomorrow.

Do we really think this is a good idea?

Aren't there better ways to utilize her unique talents?

Shouldn't she be at the gate saying "Hiiiii!!!!!! Welcome to Camp Sternberg!!"?

I HATE Digital TV!

2009-07-10T01:17:00.002-04:00

So digital TV was supposed to be better, right?

Wrong!!

Before digital TV, I got lots of stations. Now, I have to keep readjusting my antenna and running a scan over and over again. On a good day, I get channel 5 and channel 9. Until they freeze up on me and I have to start all over again.

And sometimes if I'm lucky? I get a traffic camera in Times Square. And if I'm really lucky? A ramp on the Brooklyn Bridge.

That's progress, huh?

Wasted on the Young

2009-07-07T00:25:00.004-04:00

Well, it took me long enough to get to this point in time.

But I want to go to camp. I want to have someone else plan activities and meals. I want to go swimming, boating and do arts and crafts. I want to hide from the head counselors when I don't feel like going to activities. Be in the major play. Yeah, am even willing to deal with color war.

Hail to the Chief?

2009-07-01T23:57:00.001-04:00

Now available for only $19.99 at chiaobama.com. The Obama Chia pet, in either a happy and determined pose. Here is the official word from the manufacturer:

In honoring our 44th US President, the Chia Pet company presents this Special Edition Chia Obama.

On the side of the Chia Obama planter are his famous words:

'"YES WE CAN."

Can you grow one?

YES YOU CAN.

Easy to do..... Fun to Grow. Full growth in 1-2 weeks

Contains:

* Chia Obama handmade planter
* Chia Seed packet for 3 plantings
* Convenient Drip Tray
* Planting and care instruction sheet

:)

2009-06-30T22:25:00.002-04:00

Hee hee!!

So Quiet!!

2009-06-29T20:36:00.002-04:00

Who knew that sending one kid off to camp could make such a big difference?

Bad Hair Day?

2009-06-26T00:42:00.001-04:00

My Kids Are Too Tall!

2009-06-24T22:48:00.002-04:00

Am spending the night tonight letting down hems so that I can lengthen skirts for my girls. I think I needed shorter kids!

Oh Ye of Eastern European Descent

2009-06-17T09:03:00.004-04:00

I gave you more than enough time. Not one of you picked up on this.

Anything look bizarre about this picture?

Can't Make This Up: Part II

2009-06-14T23:57:00.003-04:00

So Baby Rant calls the couch. Don't know if I would have slept there, but I wasn't gonna complain. What else was I gonna do with her? Rant Jr. decides to sleep in his garment bag.

But that still leaves Uncle Rant and me with bare mattresses that have been slept on by I-have-no-idea-who. Mind you, they looked fairly new and fresh, but am I really going to sleep on that mattress??? Ugh, no!

So I'm figuring, I'm gonna layer clothing all over the mattress. And B'H, we have raincoats, which are great, as long as we don't need to wear them outside. I open up my big black poncho, which is essentially a huge circle, rubberized on one side and B'H, cloth on the other side. That covers half my bed. My long denim skirt. A few assorted shirts. Two black zip up's rolled up together for my pillow. Uncle Rant gets Baby Rant's new GAP sweatshirt for his pillow.

Not great, but certainly more hygienic than the mattress.

And it's the end of the meal when I'm looking at the clear plastic tablecloth when it hits me. Tablecloths.

Got a few from the kitchen and spread them out over the mattresses. (Sh'koyach Uncle A! Great minds think alike!) Now, you have to realize that plastic is slippery. And crinkly. But at least not creepy and disgusting.

I will tell you that Uncle Rant's raincoat did not make an ideal blanket. But still think it was a better choice than the shower curtain, my backup plan.

This was definitely one for the books!!

Can't Make This Up: Part I

2009-06-14T19:51:00.004-04:00

So, we're driving up to the Poconos to spend Shabbos at a boy's high school retreat, where Uncle Rant donates lots of his time and energy. For those of you who don't know, road signs in Pennsylvania were put up by drunken Irishmen on St. Patrick's day, after they drink up all the beverages in their local tavern. Wish I had remembered that when I decided we didn't need to take the GPS.

After several detous, we got to our destination, Camp Dora Golding, 15 minutes before Mincha, 50 minutes before licht bentshing. (Early Shabbos, we didn't cut it that close!) As you can imagine, Uncle Rant was not in a good mood. He hates getting lost.

Our accomodations were lovely. A three bedroom bungalow, five beds, with kitchenette, living room, full bathroom and most importantly, air conditioning. Only one thing was missing.

Linen. Last retreat we went to, the Rabbeim were all told to bring linen, but board members were not. They supplied us with everything.

But not this time. Five beds, bare mattresses. No time to run out before Shabbos to get linen.

What would you do???

(For those of you who know what we did, no giving away the answers, please!!)

Drink Up!!

2009-06-11T17:12:00.002-04:00

So what do you think? Do we let the kid take a fridge to camp?

On the one hand, if he takes the fridge, in the long run, he'll save money not buying drinks in the canteen. And we can control what he's drinking. He'll be happy to drink water and/or diet soda.

On the other hand, it seems sooooo jappy.

Mogo The Third Warthog: Part II

2009-06-11T09:06:00.003-04:00

Before I take this one back to the library, I know you've all been dying to hear what this book was all about. So, without further ado...

Mogo may be the runt of the litter, but he's determined to make in in the tough African savanna. When he and his two brothers are cast out of their burrow in order to make space for a new litter, it's time for each of them to venture out and build a new home and anew life.

But the savanna is full of dangerous predators and Mogo's bossy and lazy older brothers may not have what it takes to survive. On his own, Mogo must learn to battle not just lions, cheetahs, and wild dogs, but also fear and loneliness. Luckily, the friendship of a young baboon who has also been cast out of his community helps Mogo find what he's been looking for: a life not just based on survival, but that relishes the joys of friendship and love.

Time To Cast Your Vote!

2009-06-07T23:34:00.002-04:00

So what do you think.

Have our kids outgrown the traditional summer story? I only have two kids going to camp this summer, one of whom has already told me not to send it to him in camp because he won't have time to read it.

Are we perhaps running out of ideas? Getting stale?

Should we quit while we're not too far behind?

(And yes, DG and Tom, I'll send you the old ones if you want, but don't know if you'll like them...)

An Actual Rant. Can You Believe It?

2009-06-04T22:06:00.003-04:00

I can tell you in advance exactly how the comments on this one are gonna go. But I won't. That would spoil all the fun.

So, I went to Shul tonight, during Mincha/Maariv to drop off some fruit platters for a Bris tomorrow morning. Why did I go? Because neither of my boys came home before heading to Shul, and I had to get them there somehow. I knew the Shul would be open (duh, they were davening then, weren't they?) and figured I could just run in and out unnoticed.

I figured wrong. Which means I probably should have put on a sheitel and changed out of my Crocs. Whatever.

For starters, there were like 25 cars in the parking lot. And more coming every minute. Constantly guys going in and out. Even my own two missing menfolk were there.

So here's the thing. Every night and every morning, guys have this major social event. I could go an entire week without seeing everyone I know and here guys see a million people twice a day. Major culture shock for me.

Who knew all this was going on every day?

Is Your Fridge Running?

2009-06-02T10:47:00.002-04:00

Via cooljew.net

I Love My Brother!

2009-06-01T14:42:00.001-04:00

Took this out of the library just because I loved the name.

With Apologies To Billy Joel

2009-05-26T21:33:00.002-04:00

Couldn't catch all the words, but I still thought it was funny.

And in the truly ironic department, when I emailed the guy who posted this video to tell him how much I enjoyed it, he asked me about the song and what is was. He had heard of Billy Joel but had never heard any Billy Joel music before.

We are sooo old!!

Gotta Love It!

2009-05-26T07:15:00.001-04:00

What Can You Do With a Dollar?

2009-05-20T23:52:00.002-04:00

http://www.mahnishmah.com/system/scripts/modules/admin/pages/show_page.cgi?p=7829

What Do You Think?

2009-05-11T11:31:00.002-04:00

Is it possible to gain 10 pounds in one week?

Ideas, anybody??

2009-04-29T07:50:00.004-04:00

Ok, time to start thinking about this summer's story.

Anyone out there have any suggestions?

Why Didn't I Think Of This?

2009-04-23T22:06:00.001-04:00

Freaky Food Fun: Stick dried spaghetti into hot dogs, then boil!!

Gotta Love It!

2009-04-22T21:48:00.003-04:00

Tis the Season...

2009-04-17T13:11:00.001-04:00

Counting the days till I can listen to music again!!

My Own Sefira...

2009-04-14T16:59:00.002-04:00

Is everyone else out there as tired as I am?

Not Normal!!

2009-04-08T00:59:00.003-04:00

What every sane person spends four hours doing Erev Pesach...printing envelopes!!

With Apologies to Robert Frost

2009-04-06T22:46:00.003-04:00

So far, just a sampling of what I've used:

133 eggs
9 pounds of onions
12 pounds of potatoes
4 pounds of apples
7 pounds of sugar
8 zucchini
6 cucumbers
1 1/4 bottles oil
1 1/2 quarts mayonnaise
5 bags ground pecans
1 1/2 cans potato starch

And miles to go before I sleep...

Aaaaah!!

2009-04-05T22:40:00.002-04:00

The picture says it all.

Pass the tissues.

Only In Monsey?

2009-04-02T23:04:00.003-04:00

Sorry, not complaining or ranting this time.

Spent my whole day buying Pesach food. Stores were crowded, lines were long - you know how it is. I was waiting on line in the fruit store, doing absolutely nothing valuable with my time when I noticed a plastic container taped to the register. In the container, was a Tehillim with a little sticker on the front instructing you to please make sure to return it to the register. So instead of just standing on line doing nothing, I knocked off my Tehillim for the day.

Don't know about you, but it really made me smile!

And You Guys Think I Need Hobbies?

2009-03-28T23:43:00.001-04:00

I know. You prefer when I rant and rave.

But this was too funny not to share.

Do It Yourself

2009-03-26T23:54:00.002-04:00

Did you know that if you buy a pair of piercing earrings in Wal Mart they give you the piercing gun for free as long as you're over 18?

No, I am NOT making this up.

Someone Must Have Been Very Thirsty!

2009-03-26T09:42:00.000-04:00

tHat's Entertainment!

2009-03-24T21:57:00.003-04:00

So, by a show of hands. Who thinks I should go along when the boys go hat shopping?

Am I better off crying in the store? Or crying at home while they're out shopping and then crying again when they come home? And anyone who's going to suggest I not cry at all doesn't know me at all!

And isn't there some law that if you have such cute, round cheeks, you're too little to wear a hat?

Child/Spousal Abuse

2009-03-22T01:09:00.005-04:00

Yes, I've finally done it. Something worse than not using my oven for three weeks because I don't want to have to kasher it.

I didn't serve anything fleishics Friday night. Onion soup. Poached salmon. Yum!

Who's ready to call the authorities on me?

Am I Too Old For These?

2009-03-18T09:43:00.002-04:00

What do you think?

Shechiyanu Time!

2009-03-12T20:32:00.002-04:00

So here's the plan. I don't use the new oven until Pesach so that I don't have to clean it. Yes, I know it's self cleaning, but that doesn't mean I won't obsess over every little nook and cranny.

What do you think - am I being practical or completely unreasonable?

The Morning After

2009-03-09T16:15:00.002-04:00

Take as needed...

PARTY Time!!

2009-03-09T16:13:00.003-04:00

A Freilichen Purim from the entire Rant family!

Baruch Dayan Emes

2009-03-04T19:12:00.002-05:00

That's it. I think my oven is finally dead. I am soooo sad! Yes, I know it was older than me. But even if this forces us to finally extend the house, it means I am oven-less for a very long time.

All comments about extending or helpful suggestions will be deleted. Just want sympathy! (And my Kol Noar CD.)

Hamantaschen From Outer Space!!

2009-03-03T15:52:00.002-05:00

Are these ugly or what? No, I didn't burn them. They are chocolate hamantaschen with marshmallow filling. The white ones on the left have fluff for filling. But it kept sticking to the spoon, so I tried using actual marshmallows - those are the ones with the ugly brown filling on the left. Guess we'll just have to eat the ugly ones!

But I got to thinking - let's hear some creative hamantasch ideas - marshmallow fluff is getting too hard to work with. I know what Uncle Rant would come up with - fleishic hamantaschen!

Contagious Diseases

2009-03-02T14:08:00.003-05:00

Anyone know where the Pinki are? We haven't heard from either of them in ages!

(For non-Faska's out there, Pinki is plural of Pinchas.)

And fyi, that picture was titled "infection". It just kinda called to me.

You're Never Too Old...Or Are You?

2009-03-01T16:47:00.004-05:00

With Purim right around the corner, we're all thinking about Purim costumes. Except y3k (not y2k!) who is dull, a spoilsport and doesn't believe in dressing up for Purim.

So, here's a point to ponder. At what point in time are you too old to dress up for Purim? What costumes are NOT appropriate for Purim? (Remember guys, this is a G rated blog. Don't make me delete your comments!!)

Who Wants A Drink??

2009-02-27T09:55:00.001-05:00

Saw these in the store the other day and it was just a Kodak moment. So glad I happened to have had my camera on me!

Ummm...you think they have any other kind of cups?

Mishloach Manos: Need Help!!

2009-02-26T21:55:00.004-05:00

Ok, guys, so I'm thinking soup. Maybe Split Pea. Uncle Rant and y2k's favorite!!

But I need something else with it. Was hoping to find small packs of those little fishy croutons, but no one has them. (I hit 5 stores today.) I could buy croutons and repack them. I could make my own. I could make Challah, but prefer not to. I saw individual packets of melba toast, but that seemed so nerdy!

So, what goes with soup? Doesn't have to be Split Pea. Maybe Onion Soup? (No, no cheese. Can't deal with that. Besides, need to use fleishic pots - they're bigger.) I'm flexible on the soup. Anything but Chicken Soup.

Any ideas, anyone?

A Gutten Chodesh, Everybody!

2009-02-24T18:33:00.001-05:00

Hey, it's party time!!

You know what they say about the family that drinks together???

Time to Rant...

2009-02-23T22:38:00.002-05:00

Come on, you guys would really rather hear me kvetch than just read/watch cute stuff I find on the web? I find that hard to believe.

But it one fuzzy brother of mine wants to hear me complain, you all have to suffer.

Here you go: Purim is coming. Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy about that. But I am so tired of buying candy and cookies that nobody wants to eat. (And yes, Aunt A, I'll save you the comment - there is always Tomchei Shabbos cards.)

So here are my themes for this year:

Kids: Buy soda, use up whatever candy we have in the house. No, not last years candy. Ok, maybe just a little of it.

Everyone Else: Here's my idea. I want to make something that people will actually want to eat. Last year it was cholent. This year, I'm looking for something easy, non perishable and not going to spill if I send it to Queens. Oh yeah, and cheap, too.

Anyone have any ideas?

Anybody Got Any Herring?

2009-02-20T14:48:00.002-05:00

I know a few somebody's who would be happy to reuse those toothpicks!

Hail to The Rebbe?

2009-02-17T16:04:00.002-05:00

And you guys think I have too much time on my hands????

Do A Mitzvah!

2009-02-11T14:37:00.006-05:00

In the better late than never department:

Help George Bush get his stuff back to Texas.

You can help him by visiting HelpBushPack.com

Make sure to click around and see what you can do!

What I Did Over My Summer Vacation

2009-02-11T14:32:00.001-05:00

Ooh, ooh! I want to send my kids here!!!

What Happens When You Leave Your Kid Alone

2009-02-10T11:00:00.005-05:00

My first thought was, wow, what a great punishment! Why didn't I ever think of videoing my kid's misbehavior and posting it on youtube? But the more I watch, the more I thought it was child abuse.

Sorry, guys. The video was taken down, B'H. You snooze, you lose!

The Wonderful World We Live In

2009-02-05T09:25:00.005-05:00

Now available from Amazon.com for only $58.99: Playmobil security checkpoint toy.

One reviewer's opinion:

I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!".

Believe it or not, this isn't a joke. (Or at least the website I found this on says it isn't. I didn't have time to actually check all of these out, but feel free and let me know.) Playmobil has a whole bunch of similar items, including the Playmobil Police Checkpoint, a SWAT Helicopter, a SWAT Police boat, a Radar patroller, a police station with a jail cell, and police headquarters, complete with an interrogation room. (You can buy an optional prison cell accessory). Don't forget the jewel thief kit!

Miami Boys Choir: Chinese Dance Class

2009-02-03T13:36:00.002-05:00

You just can't make this stuff up!

Sorry Guys, Couldn't Resist

2009-01-28T15:03:00.005-05:00

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
4. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a-head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
19. A backward poet writes in-verse.
20. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
21. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up

2009-01-22T23:13:00.006-05:00

From tonight's 10 o'clock news:

A bakery in the village is selling cookies they call "drunken negro cookies". They're big chocolate cookies, with exaggerated features, maraschino cherry bits for eyes and a dopey look on their faces. This week during the inauguration, they renamed them "Obama cookies". And yes, they showed the cookies.

The guy who owns the place couldn't understand why people were upset. Apparently when he made "dead goose bread" last week in honor of the US Air flight, no one complained. And yes, they showed the bread. Looked kinda mangled.

You just can't make this stuff up.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Wonderful Spam!!

2009-01-22T21:12:00.002-05:00

No, I'm not talking Monty Python.

I'm talking about the stuff that has been inundating my Inbox as of late. Tons and tons of emails. But none of them fun or exciting.

Offers to get out of debt. (Was I in debt? And if so, why didn't anyone tell me?) Offers for free laptops, free cosmetics, free cell phones and free Walmart and Costco gift cards. Discount pharmaceuticals from Canada, opportunites to make millions without ever leaving the house...the list just goes on and on and on.

Obviously, I've gotten on someone's list...anyone out there have any creative ideas for getting off?

What Kind of a Jewish Name is That?

2009-01-20T00:16:00.002-05:00

Uncle Rant came home very upset today.

He was in a store and saw a new, heimishe product. A meal in a bar, called "Grab One".

At first I thought he was upset by the concept of a meal in a bar. Those of you who know Uncle Rant know that if you can wrap it up in a little foil packet weighing half an ounce, Uncle Rant doesn't consider it a meal.

But apparently, that wasn't the problem. Uncle Rant was horrified by the idea of heimishe people grabbing anything. Is that any way for a frum person to act?

So I was wondering. What would be a proper name for a Cholov Yisroel meal replacement bar?

Random Thoughts

2009-01-15T22:41:00.002-05:00

My glasses are missing and I can't find them. If I put on my glasses, I'll be able to see more clearly and hopefully find them. But I can't do that because my glasses are missing.

It is sooo cold outside! Is anyone else tired of winter?

Chicken feet sighting today, and it wasn't on a chicken. Freezer case, in local kosher supermarket. Nasty!

Does anyone else hear cookies calling to them from the freezer? I hear little voices, saying "come and get us! We're in the freezer and we want you to eat us!"

Roadkill Cafe

2009-01-13T22:11:00.002-05:00

So years and years ago I was working out in Basking Ridge, New Jersey. And there was this huge story on the news about a restaurant that was peeling roadkill off the pavement, cooking it and serving it. There was some really funny stuff that went around including "menus" from "The Roadkill Cafe", (you kill 'em, we grill 'em!)

Living up here, we have more than our share of squirrel pizzas, as my boss's daughter used to call flattened animals on the road. When I see them, I call the Department of Highways and they come and take care of them before certain-children-of-mine-who-shall-remain-nameless scream and either cause little old ladies to fall flat on their faces, or refuse to wear their shoes ever again because they accidentally brushed up against a dead bird.

But here's my question: what does the Highway Department do with all our flattened friends? Do they get turned into itty-bitty squirrel fur gloves? Do the bigger items end up on someone's menu? And if they just dump them, you think they end up in the compost bin at one of our local farms, so that they fertilize the fresh, local produce that we all love to pick?

Just some food for thought. Or not.

Need Some Opinions

2009-01-11T00:47:00.003-05:00

So, let's say that just as a hobby, someone was to hypothetically start reviewing the occasional CD for an as yet non-existent Jewish Music blog (and get some free CDs in the process).

Hypothetically, they'd need a pen name. I'm thinking something that doesn't divulge the fact that they are (hypothetically)female.

Any suggestions?

Delicious Little Girl...

2009-01-05T18:02:00.001-05:00

Think I can smuggle her home in my carry-on bag?

This Is The Life

2009-01-03T16:31:00.004-05:00

Sure, I'm here to help. I take the baby when she's crying, but I give her back whenever I want. And I am an angel for having taken her in the first place.

I run out to the makolet if we're running low on something. And I am such a huge help.

Yes, I'm cooking meals, but everyone is sooo appreciative.

In short, I'm living a guy's life. I could definitely get used to this.

A Truly Humbling Experience

2008-12-31T17:06:00.003-05:00

A trip to the makolet. How hard could it be?

Apparently, very. Surprisingly enough, most of the product labels were written in Hebrew. I guess they're entitled, but it didn't make my life any easier. Try to find the right section in the teeny, tiny store. Locate the right item. Or try to. Not always as easy as it sounds. And I thought I spoke a pretty decent Hebrew! Next, try to figure out how much it costs. How much is 16.90 shekel divided by 3.73?

And then there was a trip to the freezer case to find chicken wings. How do you say wings in Hebrew? And I couldn't help but wonder what kind of scary things might be lurking in that freezer? And if the nekudos in Hebrew are the vowels, can't they put them on the packages so that I can actually figure out what I'm looking at?

All in all, the trip to the makolet took a very long time. And 3 phone calls home to make sure I was getting the right thing. Let's just say I'm going to really enjoy my next trip to Shop Rite!

When the Cat's Away...

2008-12-28T10:24:00.004-05:00

So, I'm off in a few hours and leaving a guy in charge. Should be entertaining.

They spent the morning menu planning. Here's what my dearly beloved thinks he's cooking for supper every night:

Sunday: Shnitzel, with assorted sauces for dipping. Salad. Unidentified starch. Maybe fries?
Monday: Grilled Chicken, Salad, Mushroom Tart. (Mushroom Tart is leftover from Shabbos. I made that one.)
Tuesday: Pot Roast, Mashed Potatoes with Peas and Onions. (There is a vegetable here, too, but they needed the menu so they could go shopping.
Wednesday: Tuna Loaf, Pasta Primavera, and some other vegetable.

Of course, all meals will start off with soup (my contribution, I left a freezer full) and will end with dessert. With plenty of burping in between.

Think they're gonna miss me? I doubt it!!

World's Largest Salami Menorah

2008-12-25T23:40:00.003-05:00

What, there are small salami menorahs as well?

This comes from the kosher deli in West Palm Beach, Florida. No doubt they did a wonderful job making people more aware of Chanukah. Because I'm sure you're wondering, no they didn't eat the menorah afterwards. Something about the salami being outside all day. Does the pirsumei nisa aspect outweigh the baal tashchis?

Note to self: avoid all salami at parent's house for the next two years.

Tick Tock: Part II

2008-12-25T00:30:00.002-05:00

How does an impatient person deal with having to wait?

How does someone who tries to do everything immediately deal with knowing that her baby is 6000 miles away and she can't feel how warm and soft it is? How yummy it smells?

Looks like I'm just gonna have to deal with it.

Should be easy. Being a grandmother is way more fun that being a mother!

Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

2008-12-23T22:14:00.002-05:00

How does an obsessive compulsive deal with uncertainty?

How does someone who alphabetizes their spices (ok, I don't do that anymore) deal with not knowing when a particular event will occur or how they're going to deal with it?

Maybe I should view this as a chance to become more normal.

Or maybe I should just have someone hit me over the head with a hammer and wake me up in two weeks and let me know how it all turned out.

Will The Real Aunt Rant Please Stand Up?

2008-12-22T23:41:00.001-05:00

Came across this by accident today: auntrant.blogspot.com.

Sounds a lot like me.

Am I the imposter or is she?

Hey, Taxi!!!

2008-12-18T00:00:00.005-05:00

They're talking about a "Fat Tax" in New York. Tax items that are fattening and unhealthy. If you want to eat junk food or have a Coke, you're gonna have to pay extra. I think it's a great idea. But they didn't take it far enough. There are so many other possibilities. Imagine this:

Ugly Tax: Tax cosmetics and other personal care items. If you're not attractive the way G-d made you, it's gonna cost you.

Idiot Tax: Tax Cliff's Notes, Barron's Review Books and all SAT Review Courses. You ought to be smart enough on your own. If not, pay up!

Tall Tax: Clothing for tall people ought to cost more. More fabric, more labor. Why do short people have to subsidize clothing for six footers?

Cutesy Tax: Hello Kitty. Lisa Frank. Smurfs. Need I say more?

People Who Eat In My Car Tax: It's my car, not your kitchen. Keep your crumbs out!

So many more, but so little time...

Sorry!!!

2008-12-17T00:09:00.001-05:00

Too late to post anything tonight, but I have tomorrow's post half written in my head.

How about you guys rant about whatever is on your mind for a change?

Weddings: Warning I May Get a Little Sappy

2008-12-15T00:30:00.001-05:00

We all go to weddings all the time.

But every now and then, you get to go to a really special wedding. Where the time just flies by and suddenly you realize that you forgot to eat.

That's what it's like when it's one of yours who gets married.

But when it's two of yours who marry each other?

Wow, can't wait!

Somebody bring the tissues?

The Family That Sticks Together

2008-12-11T17:05:00.002-05:00

I am such a good aunt.

I love my nieces and nephews. When they're happy, I'm happy. (Ok, maybe not as happy as they are on Purim, but that's another story.) And when they are in pain, I am in pain.

When my poor nephew will be forced to show up at a wedding in Crocs, as a good aunt, I feel it is my duty to show support and wear my Crocs, too. It will be difficult, but we wouldn't want him to feel bad, now would we?

So, all my loyal readers, let's all band together and wear our Crocs. Let us get all our friends and relatives to wear their Crocs, too. It is our sacred duty.

(And Aliza, you are family. Come crash! Just wear your Crocs.)

My Mind is a Complete Blank

2008-12-11T01:11:00.003-05:00

I cannot tell a lie: I didn't write this.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the letter ”f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraseful and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!