A Truly Humbling Experience

A trip to the makolet. How hard could it be?

Apparently, very. Surprisingly enough, most of the product labels were written in Hebrew. I guess they're entitled, but it didn't make my life any easier. Try to find the right section in the teeny, tiny store. Locate the right item. Or try to. Not always as easy as it sounds. And I thought I spoke a pretty decent Hebrew! Next, try to figure out how much it costs. How much is 16.90 shekel divided by 3.73?

And then there was a trip to the freezer case to find chicken wings. How do you say wings in Hebrew? And I couldn't help but wonder what kind of scary things might be lurking in that freezer? And if the nekudos in Hebrew are the vowels, can't they put them on the packages so that I can actually figure out what I'm looking at?

All in all, the trip to the makolet took a very long time. And 3 phone calls home to make sure I was getting the right thing. Let's just say I'm going to really enjoy my next trip to Shop Rite!

When the Cat's Away...

So, I'm off in a few hours and leaving a guy in charge. Should be entertaining.

They spent the morning menu planning. Here's what my dearly beloved thinks he's cooking for supper every night:

Sunday: Shnitzel, with assorted sauces for dipping. Salad. Unidentified starch. Maybe fries?
Monday: Grilled Chicken, Salad, Mushroom Tart. (Mushroom Tart is leftover from Shabbos. I made that one.)
Tuesday: Pot Roast, Mashed Potatoes with Peas and Onions. (There is a vegetable here, too, but they needed the menu so they could go shopping.
Wednesday: Tuna Loaf, Pasta Primavera, and some other vegetable.

Of course, all meals will start off with soup (my contribution, I left a freezer full) and will end with dessert. With plenty of burping in between.

Think they're gonna miss me? I doubt it!!

World's Largest Salami Menorah

What, there are small salami menorahs as well?

This comes from the kosher deli in West Palm Beach, Florida. No doubt they did a wonderful job making people more aware of Chanukah. Because I'm sure you're wondering, no they didn't eat the menorah afterwards. Something about the salami being outside all day. Does the pirsumei nisa aspect outweigh the baal tashchis?

Note to self: avoid all salami at parent's house for the next two years.

Tick Tock: Part II

How does an impatient person deal with having to wait?

How does someone who tries to do everything immediately deal with knowing that her baby is 6000 miles away and she can't feel how warm and soft it is? How yummy it smells?

Looks like I'm just gonna have to deal with it.

Should be easy. Being a grandmother is way more fun that being a mother!

Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

How does an obsessive compulsive deal with uncertainty?

How does someone who alphabetizes their spices (ok, I don't do that anymore) deal with not knowing when a particular event will occur or how they're going to deal with it?

Maybe I should view this as a chance to become more normal.

Or maybe I should just have someone hit me over the head with a hammer and wake me up in two weeks and let me know how it all turned out.

Will The Real Aunt Rant Please Stand Up?

Came across this by accident today: auntrant.blogspot.com.

Sounds a lot like me.

Am I the imposter or is she?

Hey, Taxi!!!

They're talking about a "Fat Tax" in New York. Tax items that are fattening and unhealthy. If you want to eat junk food or have a Coke, you're gonna have to pay extra. I think it's a great idea. But they didn't take it far enough. There are so many other possibilities. Imagine this:

Ugly Tax: Tax cosmetics and other personal care items. If you're not attractive the way G-d made you, it's gonna cost you.

Idiot Tax: Tax Cliff's Notes, Barron's Review Books and all SAT Review Courses. You ought to be smart enough on your own. If not, pay up!

Tall Tax: Clothing for tall people ought to cost more. More fabric, more labor. Why do short people have to subsidize clothing for six footers?

Cutesy Tax: Hello Kitty. Lisa Frank. Smurfs. Need I say more?

People Who Eat In My Car Tax: It's my car, not your kitchen. Keep your crumbs out!

So many more, but so little time...

Sorry!!!

Too late to post anything tonight, but I have tomorrow's post half written in my head.

How about you guys rant about whatever is on your mind for a change?

Weddings: Warning I May Get a Little Sappy

We all go to weddings all the time.

But every now and then, you get to go to a really special wedding. Where the time just flies by and suddenly you realize that you forgot to eat.

That's what it's like when it's one of yours who gets married.

But when it's two of yours who marry each other?

Wow, can't wait!

Somebody bring the tissues?

The Family That Sticks Together

I am such a good aunt.

I love my nieces and nephews. When they're happy, I'm happy. (Ok, maybe not as happy as they are on Purim, but that's another story.) And when they are in pain, I am in pain.

When my poor nephew will be forced to show up at a wedding in Crocs, as a good aunt, I feel it is my duty to show support and wear my Crocs, too. It will be difficult, but we wouldn't want him to feel bad, now would we?

So, all my loyal readers, let's all band together and wear our Crocs. Let us get all our friends and relatives to wear their Crocs, too. It is our sacred duty.

(And Aliza, you are family. Come crash! Just wear your Crocs.)

My Mind is a Complete Blank

I cannot tell a lie: I didn't write this.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the letter ”f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraseful and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!

Milton Bradley, Where Are You?

Spent some quality time at Toys R Us today. Boy, have things changed in the last 10 years.

I was hoping to get a board game. Shockingly enough, board games now take up only one and a half short aisles. That's it. And a good part of the games are variants of themselves: Sponge Bob Monopoly, Pink Boutique Monopoly, Harry Potter Monopoly. The selection was pitiful. What ever happened to Mille Bornes? Go To The Head of the Class?

So I headed over to the books. Surely they must have some decent books that would be appropriate for an 8 year old. Well, they do. As long as you like books that tie in with Cable TV. No Magic Tree House. No Boxcar Children. Lots of Hannah Montana. iCarly. Almost no books that didn't have major merchandising attached to it.

Don't think I'm going back there any time soon.

At least not until I get another $3.00 gift card from them.

Milestones

For the first time in almost 21 years there are no car seats or booster seats in my car.

I can't decide if that makes me happy or unhappy.

Also makes me wonder about what things were like when I was little. No car seat means that two year olds were roaming around freely in the backseat of your car. Who knows what your kids could be doing to each other while you need to keep your eyes on the road. Makes me wonder how I ever made it this far and why my brother and sister didn't just open the car door and toss me out of the car.

Guess I'm lucky to be here!

Green and Fuzzy 2

How do you tell when pesto's gone bad?

What's Green and Fuzzy?

On the list of things I've always wondered about: How do you know when yogurt's gone bad?

And the answer is, you just do.

Perhaps the little bit of green fuzzy stuff at the top should have given me a hint. I know. Should have just tossed it then. But it was only a week past the expiration date.

But really, it's not my fault.

Because it was Cholov Yisroel yogurt. Regular yogurt would have been fine a week past the expiration date. But with Cholov Yisroel, expiration dates are arbitrary. Like they just threw a dart at a dartboard and picked a date. Saw some CY chocolate milk this past weekend on November 27th. The milk was dated December 19th.

Think I'm sticking to Shop Rite milk for now.

Call me crazy, but I just don't get it.

Teenage girls are NOTHING like teenage boys.

Yeah, I know, you're all rolling your eyes and laughing at me. It's okay, I'm used to it.

I had the opportunity to spend Shabbos with an inordinate number of teenage boys. They were fascinating, albeit a little scary. All different sizes, shapes and colors. I checked out their ties, their belts, their hairstyles. Even spoke to a few of them. They were all quite interesting.

But then they all turned insane. Motzei Shabbos and they decide to spend their evening jumping over chairs. First 3 groups of 2 chairs. Then 4 groups. Then only two sets of chairs, but spread further apart, with plastic tablecloths tied between them. Sure, there were mattresses on the floor for the sake of those who didn't quite make it. Lots of them didn't. One or two looked like they got hurt, but they all just got up and walked it off. One question kept going through my mind.

Why? Why on earth would ostensibly normal people do this?

I Am Never Leaving The House Again!!

Teenagers.

Haircuts.

Need I say more?

Really Black Friday

Sorry, guys. There are moments in life when even I can't be frivolous.

Pick up your Tehillim and say a perek. It's all we can do.

Black Friday

So here it is, 2 A.M. and I can't sleep.

I know, why don't I just stay up two more hours and hit the sales?

Because even I don't think it's worth it. Yes, this comes from someone who spends half her time seeing what she can find on clearance ($3 American Eagle shoes at T.J. Maxx). No matter how good the sales are, it's just not worth dealing with the crowds and the crazies. Spend a few dollars more and get it on the regular sale. It's not always about getting the best price.

Online, however, is a different story. Hmmm...maybe I should stop blogging do some online shopping!!

What Were They Thinking?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Everyone has their own taste. Their own sense of style.

Except the guy I saw at the bank yesterday.

This wasn't just a random person standing on line. This was a bank teller, at his place of employment, dressed for work. Dress shirt, tie, ponytail.

Ponytail? This wasn't just slightly longer than average hair. This was a pony tail long enough to donate to Chai Lifeline. (For all you guys out there, that's a minimum of ten inches long, but they prefer twelve inches. And he had the full twelve.) How can a guy get dressed to go to work, make himself look presentable and still have a ponytail halfway down his back?

As I'm looking at this guy, I'm thinking to myself, well at least a ponytail is better than a goatee.

Oh wait, he has one of those, too.

Nothing is creepier looking than a goatee. Except a goatee and a ponytail.

Gobble Gobble

With Thanksgiving only hours away, I can't help but wonder. Does anybody really like turkey?

Look through the newspaper. There are tons of articles on how to cook your turkey to perfection.

• Rub it with salt, let it stand for three days, massaging the bird every day to distribute the salt, let sit 8 hours, uncovered to dry out and then roast.
• Deep fried. Cooks super fast!
  
• Tur-duck-en. (For those of you who don't know, that's a chicken stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey.)

The list just goes on an on and on. I hate to sound un-American, but it's just not that good. Why are we making such a fuss?

And then there's carving the turkey. In the movies, they bring the bird to an immaculately set table, where the head of the house, gracefully carves the turkey to perfection while everyone looks on admiringly. The turkey goes neatly on the table and the table stays as pristine as ever. And no one ever gets upset or loses their cool when carving a turkey.

Around here, we don't carve a turkey. We just hack it up. Put the turkey on the cutting board. Cut off a few pieces. Turkey is no longer stable because I just cut off all the parts that were balancing it. So I have to hold the rest of it with one hand, while I slice with the other. By the time I'm done, the cutting board is a mess, the counter is a mess and my hands and clothing are gross and slimy.

I serve the turkey and a few people are willing to eat it. The rest ask me never to buy turkey again. And what do you do with all that leftover turkey? Either I'm doing something wrong, or turkey just isn't all that good.

Seems to me that the only reason to eat turkey is if you get one free from the supermarket.

Life of Riley

And what a life he has. Riley is my great nephew. But I'm not a great great aunt. I won't even let him into my house. When my niece and nephew come, I tell them they have to leave the baby home. I can't tell you that Riley isn't quite cute, despite the fact that he goes around licking people's shoes. What do you expect? He's only a few months old. He's also a dog.

Why exactly do people get dogs? Yeah, I know, they love you unconditionally. But they jump on you, they bark, and they have those creepy black lips. You have to walk them all the time, no matter how cold it is ouside. And then you have to clean up after them. Can't someone find a way to toilet train dogs?

Dogs are like two year olds that will never, ever turn into responsible, productive members of society. While two year olds are cute, there's a reason for the phrase "terrible two's". They can be the most exasperating creatures on the face of this earth and the only way to survive that year is to remember that it's temporary. At least it is with humans. Dogs are two forever. And no matter how often you bathe them, they will still always smell like dog.

Sorry, Riley. We love you, but you still can't come in.

To Shop or Not To Shop - That is the Question

I discovered the wonderful world of shopping online this weekend. Not like I've never ordered anything online before, but this was different. This was prompted by my kids and my nephews bonding as they surfed Abercrombie's website and found so many cute things that they just couldn't live without. Don't worry. On clearance.

I fully appreciate the convenience of being able to visit sixteen different stores while I'm sitting home in my jammies. And being able to just call up my nephew and say "hey, you like that shirt?" is great. But I don't know. I like being able to see something in real life before I buy it. Touch it. Try it on. See how it looks.

If you don't like it in the store, you just don't buy it. If you don't like it when you order online, it takes 3-5 business days to find out that you don't like it. Then you need to ship it back. Or have it sit in your closet for a week until you have a chance to take it back.

Don't forget shipping and handling. If you're only ordering one $20 item, and the shipping is ten bucks up to a hundred dollars purchase, it hardly seems worthwhile. By the time you finish with shipping and tax, your $20 shirt is now closer to $35.

Does shopping online have it's advantages? Yeah, it does. But is this going to keep me out of the stores? Nah...I don't think so.

Vitamin Water

I have a confession to make.

I like Vitamin Water. It's not something I have often. And I don't normally drink sugary stuff. But oddly enough, I like Vitamin Water. But not when it's cold.

See, here's the thing about Vitamin Water. It tastes like they basically took Kool Aid, watered it down, threw in a few vitamins and said, "Hey, we can charge money for diluted punch because people will think it's healthy since we threw the word "vitamin" in the name! If you drink it ice cold, you can barely taste the flavor. So, as gross as it sounds, try it room temperature. Much better that way.

And of course, take a few minutes to read the bottles. They're quite entertaining.

c u l8r

Somewhere over the last 10 years, someone killed the art of writing.

I blame it all on texting.

Way back when I was in college and dinosaurs still roamed the earth, we did indeed have computers. And we did spend too much time corresponding online with friends in other schools. But oddly enough, we still used proper capitalization. And punctuation. We spelled everything correctly, even without spell check.

Fast forward to today. Even a dictionary can't help you decipher all the abbreviations that show up in texts and emails. Some are easy to figure out. "np" is "no problem". "k" is "okay". Some require a little more thought. "ty" is "thank you". "brb"? "be right back". "ttyl" becomes "talk to you later".

Others require assistance. Not from a dictionary, but from anyone under the age of thirty. How many of you know what "tltt" stands for? And even once you think you know what all the abbreviations stand for, they make up new ones.

And why have we created this new, bizarre language? Because it is such a pain to text on those teeny, tiny keyboards. If you want a phone that's going to fit in your pocket and not weigh more than a pack of gum, everything has to be Polly Pocket sized. And once we got started writing like that in our texts, it infected all our correspondence.

Age definitely seems to be factor. Over 40's still type out whole words. Make sure things are grammatically correct before we hit send. I know. No matter how cute we dress, how you we try to act, it's one of the ways that you remind us we're just not 21 anymore.

Thank you, Alexander Graham Bell

I'm really not sure exactly how this is supposed to work. Am I supposed to be blogging about all the exciting things that go on in my life? Hope not, since my life isn't particularly exciting. Do I throw out controversial topics and let my loyal readers, all four of you, argue about them? Or do I just pontificate and offer my opinions on anything and everything? Don't know. Let's give it a shot and see what happens.

Let's talk about kids and cell phones. At what age does one need a cell phone? Is this based on actual need or the idea that everyone else has one? Why do elementary school kids need cell phones? And if half an eighth grade class has cell phones why should the other half feel deprived?

No question that cell phones have changed the way we live, in many ways for the better. But is it really necessary to be reachable 24/6? And does every person over the age of 10 need their own dedicated line?

Seems to me that when there's an actual need for one, then maybe it's time to get your kid a phone. But if they just want to be cool, let them pay for it.

Am I Too Old To Blog?

So what do you think? Is the mother of five kids, aged almost 8 - almost 21 too old to start her own blog? I know what my kids will say. It's embarrassing and extremely uncool. That's why I'm not asking them. I'm asking you!